How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
