He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
