oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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