Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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