OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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