Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
