When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
