Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
