After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i've created a new STD.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
