Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
