I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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