Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
