We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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