Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
is wine microwaveable?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
