I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
