You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
