saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
