Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
