Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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