The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
