My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
