I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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