Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
