Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
