I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
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My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize