Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
