I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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