I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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