I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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