need another drink. this is the easiest way
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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