i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
