Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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