I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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