watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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