i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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