i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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