my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
4 words: hood of his car
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
