The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
