Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just made my gag reflex go away.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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