i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
