he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
