he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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