I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
