hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
