Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
