I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
