my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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