I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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