I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
