used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
