awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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