how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
