I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
