you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
