in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
