Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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