I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
