I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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