Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Boobs are out for the taking
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
