it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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