Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
