i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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